Perspective
Topics
- 'God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who
diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. When
Life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't
ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full face. The
'worst' is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to
return.' Lamentations 3:25,26,28-38 The whole chapter is good.
- OK, so there is no sex in heaven - a tough pill to swallow. But there is plently of intimacy. Anyone I meet oon the street I will know everything about them and will instantly be closer to them than I could be to any woman. 24hours/day infinite intmacy with uhtold number of people and , of course, God Himself. That might heal this wound I have.
- It is hard to see myself as a princess rather than as a handmaid (Cinderella) because the whole world sees me as a handmaid. Perhaps that is because I see myself as a handmaid.
- If God values my fellowship, the one thing I can give back, then why do I give it out in such rare and small doses?
- Once again, my selfishness shows through. I have talked about trying to compreshend that not only does God love me,l but that He likes me. However, I now realize that I am starting to like Him and not just love Him. Because in both cases, my perception of love was wrong. In the first, I saw pity and in the second, I only saw reverence.
- Help me Lord to not get caught in the trap of just fixing my problems, but rather to understand them in the light of Your big picture.
- Pain isolates me while joy bonds me more to others. As I get more familiar with God, both increase. Help me Lord to focus on the joy.
- When I look at life without eternal hope (This is it. This is as good as it's going to get.) my attitude colors everything grey as I get deparate, demanding, then despairing.
- Help me Lord to find the strength to shun the distractions of this world and lift the empty cup of my heart to You, waiting patiently for Your presence, in whatever form You prefer to present, regardless of whether You fill the cup or not. My suffering is not my offering, only my empty cup. All I have is this desire from You that can never be filled.
- The main question - 'What is the chief end and purpose of man?' The answer - 'To know God and enjoy knowing Him forever.' I shunned this talk for so long because I heard it from people who used it as an excuse to escape life and themselves. This is what Henry David Thorough saw too, I believe. But, when God is truly pursued, we come face-to-face with life and ourselves.
- Forgive me Lord for being more interested in the rejection of others than in Your pursuit of me. I draw my identity from their opinions rather than from Yours. Help me to know how to change that.
- I struggle with the idea that I have any impact on God as He has on me. It is easier to see Him as the Author of the big story rather than the main character.
- Trials are not the center of the Universe. God's love is.
- Living in our own story is a prison. There is freedom in being part of the bigger story where God is the main character rather than us.
- When we come into the light, we meet God. But when we flee into the darkness, we run straight into Him. His determination is our hope. Simon Tagwell p.81 Sacred Romance
- At one time, not so long ago, God and I were very close. His intense moments of intimacy were memorable. But I pulled away. Back then, I said it was because of the pain of my life preventing me from enjoying Him, but now I realize that I pulled back because I knew that in some way, He was behind the cause of all that pain and so I could not trust Him.
- Lord, I pray that I will always remember that I am Your representative to a world where the devil constantly slanders You. When I am self-centered, it makes You look demanding. I need to take the 3rd commandment, 'You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain' (Exodus 20:7) as a call to show love and kindness to others.
- It is rejection of You, not rejection of me.
- It seems as though all of my pain, disappointments and such can, in some way, be traced back to selfishness.
- People don't seem to like my reflection. Help me Lord to not take it personal but realize that my unique reflection is what You made me for. Help me to shine true.
- It is still fuzzy, but it seems that my misery is less about my circumstances than it is about me.
- Help me Lord to see my afflictions and losses in the light of eternity so that I won't be overwhelmed and looose focus on You.
- In my longing desire for You, peace overtakes me gradually like a fog, unnoticed, until, suddenly, I am overwhelmed.
- '..it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.' Romans 8:17 I will not identify myself by my sin, God willing.
- Oh Lord, help me not to beat up on myself whenYou reveal my sins to me but to be thankful of the awareness so that it does not run amok and to realize that my struggles is what allows me to love and help others.
- 'Our depressions, jealousies, narcisism, and failures are not at odds with the spiritual life. Indeed, they are essential to it. When tended, they permit the spirit from zooming off into the ozone of perfectionism and spiritual pride.' Thomas Moore.
- Help me Lord not just to have a servant attitude but to be a servant as You have shown by example.
- 'The poverty of uniqueness is the call of Jesus to stand utterly alone...' Brennan Manning
- '...intelligence without courage is bankrupt.' Brennan Manning
- 'Take courage. It is I. Do not be afraid.'
- '...our security rests in having no security.' Brennan Manning
- Help me Lord to be true and courageous to the uniqueness that You have made of me regardless of the cost. I cherish that gift of uniqueness. I see that my alonness is a way that You are using to further develop that uniqueness. It is not supposed to be fun. Walking on the water is not a group effort.
- Lord, You provided intensity during my devotions and I cried about the mundaness of the rest of the day. I asked instead for the deeper relationship of peace with You. After 2 1/2 weeks of silence, You helped me to share Your peace. I then complained of my pain in life and that Your fellowship wasn't enough. I am back alone. I am sorry for my self centeredness. Help me to desire You in spite of the storm instead of to make the storm bearable. Help me to have a clear motive. Help me not to be overwhelmed with the pain so that I only focus on it.
- It wasn't Peter's will that got him out of the boat, but rather his willingness.
- As I was walking across the water before, I grew tired and discouraged because the storm would not let up. I went back to the boat and find myself lying on the bottom of the boat still being beaten withe the cold rain. I have no stength left. The question is, which do I want more, relief from the storm, or God's presence. I don't know. Lord, help me. You provide both the 'will and the way'. I really do want Your presence, Lord. For some reason, in my despair and exhaustion, I do not crave Your hugs and only partially crave Your insights. But I do crave You. I do not understand. We belong together. 'If You bid me, I will come out of the boat.'
- Lord, give me the strength to draw to You in my pain with no promise that it will ease up. with the only purpose being to search You more deeply. To discover how far a fellowship between a man and his God can go. My curiousity for the divine is the only living thing left in me. There are no other vital signs. I come to You not only with hands empty of desires but a heart empty of hope and expectations. I will accept that You will not calm the storm. I am ready to follow You across the water.
- I don't want control because I don't know what to do. When I am in control, I am stuck. Being stuck is death, literally. I need You.
- Lord, help me to cope with Your presence as well as the presence of trials so that I do not give into pride or despair so that I do not have to alternate between the two but can stay in Your presence.
- There is a difference between putting the things (and people) of this world second behind God and hating it altogether. Depression is not a spiritual virtue. Zeal for living is important. This is why fanticizing, for me, is so powerful. It is the only time I feel that zeal. Lord help me to find that zeal through You.
- I've heard it said, 'Don't take yourself too serious' but I don't understnad it. That must mean that I am.
- When I can grasp that You truly love me, then I can have hope (You are all I need). Then joy will come. Until then, I will be the prodical son trying to find joy on my own.
- At first, I felt that the stongest desire I had to distract me from God was sex. But then I realized it was deeper. It was a desire for a wife. But it was deeper. A wife would be a great souce of validation in many ways. As I accepted the possibility that the Lord may have me be single for His purpose, I discovered another, even stronger, desire. This desire was from my youth. It was for me to have a purpose. I thought this was a good thing. But when I told God that enjoying Him was not enough, that I wanted to share Him with others, the Spirit faded n me. I realize that my desire for purpose is a desire for validation. In my lonely life, I have gotten even less validation than love, even from myself. God's love does not give me validation. So my desire for His love has faded. But isn't being loved validation? Isn't that what I said about a wife? What could be more validating than the God of the Universe dying on the cross in order to enjoy my fellowship? This is what I've always known. My value is not in what I have done (human doing) but in what God has done for me - His love (human being). It feels selfish, but that is my ego talking again. 'Come to me as little children' which is only to receive. 'He is all I need' (hope). You are my purpose, Lord. Now I don't have to wander. I've always needed someone to hold my hand. Dad tried to break me to his will by force. God has used that brokeness by first putting me partially together and then rebreaking me by His love and mercy in the light that exposes my shortcomings. Could it be that I have finally made it to the second step (Brokeness, Hope, Joy). Is it possible that I, of all people, could experience Joy? I Hope so. I remember that it all starts with suffering Romans 5:3 suffering -> perseverence -> character -> hope.
- My desire for purpose will prevent me from following the Spirit to lead others in troubl to God. I will want them to get fixed so that I can feel good about myself.
- It is telling that Jesus stopped the storm as soon as Peter got back into the boat. It seems so cruel it is humorous. But now I realize that it was mercy that caused Him to create the storm. Peter could never have been able to walk across a glassy, calm surface. He couldn't have kept his eyes on God. That helps my life to make sense.
- I cannot picture a life where the only siznificance to it is being with God. But isn't that Heaven?
- If You only bring me joy that lasts through the devotion, with no relief from the lonelines and no purpose, what is left to motivate my desire for You? I want to help others experience You in a deeper way apart from religion, but I can only lead them to the misery I am now at.
- It feels like You only come along and hug me saying, 'There, there, it's no so bad. I am with you'. I'm still lost.
- My lack of desire for God lately, I think, is due to the disappointment that it did not bring purpose to my life. A desire for a reason to get up in the morning is even stronger than my desire for a wife. That prevents me from talking Soultalk because I want something to happen for my sake. Purpose is a second thing.
- A part of me wants to know God on a very deep level regardless if it brings me joy or not.
- The Lord has given me not only ecstacy but peace in His presence. A place I thought would be years before I would experience it. Strangely, at that point, I lost interest. I realized that even these prized events would not fill the hole left behind from a lifetime of loneliness. I guess my motive for intimacy with God was selfish. I am embarrassed to ask, 'What is my motive now?' 'Thy kingdom come' comes to mind. What do I say? What do I promise?
- You crave me more than I crave You even though You give me more than I can give You.
- 'Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you.' James 4:8
- Lord, I know that You are enough, but it would be codependent of me to say that our intimate moments together would be enough. It would be self-centered. Even though these times of intimacy are nothing less than miraculous. Without insulting Your love, I ask, how do I get more? What is the next level? I want to say that sharing You would be enough, but that would be self-centered also and would be the wrong motive,. I am so confused.
- It is very scary tht You do not address my neediness at the level that I think You should.
- The good life is not about being productive or enlightened, just in fellowship with God.
- Oh Lord, forgive me for selfishly looking at the 23rd Psalms as a life of blessing. It is obviously talking about fellowship with You whether I am in 'green pastures' or the 'valley of the shadow of death'. You are the good life.
- There is nothing left to compete with You. There never really was. This is not so much a praise as a disgust at my life. The only thing I have left is my pain. So I offer it to You. This is not a recognition that You will meet all my needs. I do not believe that. I will still sleep alone, stay home while others go on vacation, spend holidays alone and go to theaters and movies alone. Desiring these things have only brought me lower. Your promise, 'My grace is sufficent' does not sound very strong. I know Your agenda is other-centered. 'Lord, where else can I go?' It appears that happiness and fulfillment were a fantacy. Even when we were at our closest, I was suffering with 98% of my day being mundane loneliness. 'My grace is sufficent' sounds more like a death sentence than a promise. So be it. Have your way with me. I would appreciate any scrap of joy You could toss my way.
- 'You are blessed when you're at the end of your rope.' Matthew 5:3Where is God? He's at the end of the rope.
- When I look back over my life at those who have offended me, I have to admit, very often, the Lord was in it in order to guide and teach me. That shows me two things. The Lord is keeping the devil off my back more than I know and the devil will take every opportunity he can to hurt me.
- My example of going deeper. I got in trouble for losing my temper. I could say it is part of my temperament (high strung) or that I was raised with someone with that problem or that the person that got me into trouble is worse than me and exagerated. All of that is true. But, it comes from depression. Of what? I am lonely. I want a wife to affirm me and friends to make my life fun. But a wife and friends will not solve my depression. I am lonely for God. I must offer my life with it's dreams as a sacrifice and rely on Him.
- Being used by God to help others see Him better does not help my loneliness and so I am free not to have that ulterior motive.
- I am finding as God leads me through this change that I am slowly desiring the intense moments less and the peaceful moments more. It is the quiet moments of peace that I remember most.
- 'My cup runeth over' not of blessings of God, not even necessarily joy. When it happens, it runs over of the Spirit.
- Beneath my visible selfishness is my invisible self-centeredness. Beneath that is a huge mass of memories, demands and ideas. Below that is self-need and self management which fuels religion. But below that is a desire for God. When we let this desire take place over the others we have brokeness. And from that the passionate Spirit flows.
- When I turn away from God, I go from living the abundant life to living the needy desparate life. My hunger for God competes with my hunger to get my needs met some other way.
- I am surprised to find, in the midst of my trials, to suddenly realize that 'my cup runneth over'.
- Lord, may I yield to Your hand to mold me into the vessel You want me to be so that You can fill me to overflowing to others, not of blessings, but of Your Spirit.
- How can I help others when I am the most messed up. But God uses the least to help the most. Therefore, I am willing to be the least.
- Too often, my motivation for helping others is to give my life purpose.
- If I am not careful, my hurt becomes an obsession and buried in that obsession is demand.
- Do I enjoy God's presence when He doesn't do anything?
- 'To think he trusted me to believe He was there just because He said He was, with no other evidence - I'm so grateful.' p46 Soultalk
- Lord, help me to remember my lessons of humility in this darkness when You brng me light and especially when you have me share it.
- My ability and yes, even my desire, to come into God's presence, is a gift and not from me.
- The Lord can sit quietly with me and love me so easily who is so unloveable while I sit struggling to love Someone who is so loveable. Forgive me Lord for not being able to enjoy the quiet together. I want to break the silence and get handsy. I am addicted to intensity. It's all about me. Help me to give up the shallow relationship for a deep one. Help me Lord to not cheapen our relationship and realize that You are more than just a good time.
- Lord, help me to not be codependent with You. that I can see where I stop and You begin. This will allow me to resist taking on Your character as my own. It allows me to be free from pride to release me to be used by You in bigger ways.
- Without God drawing me, I am not interested in coming to Him. Even with a billion stars staring me in the face, I cannot grasp His power unless He reveals Himself to me. Even though I know of His priceless gift on the cross, I cannot feel His love unless He opens my heart to Him. I am not even capable of mantaining focus on Him to learn His magnificent insights without Him holding me. I cannot care for others without Him setting the burden in my heart. I cannot find the words to speak when the lost challenge God and the saved ask for guidance unless He puts them in my mouth. There is nothing left of me to bring to the table. Lord, help me to remember this when You decide to once again move in me.
- Not every moment with God has to be earth-shattering. Chit chats are nice too.
- Many times the Lord is silent. But I know He's here. I can hear Him breathing.
- Today in church, we learned about using our imagination in prayer to visualize rather than verbalize. We did it at the end and I pictured God holding out His hand so I walked up the steps and took it. The next part of the image felt uncomfortale at first so I kept trying to change it but it kept coming back so I submitted. God slow danced with me close as I laid my hand on His shoulder. It helped me to finally see that what I wanted from a wife really could be gotten from God.
- The drought continues. No hugs. No insights. No using me. But does God still love me? Of course. These things are not God's love.
- I feel like a toy forgotten on the shelf with the on switch truned off. God has left my devotions for over a week. It has forced me to further separate my own characteristics from the fruit of the Spirit that has graciously flowed through me before. 'My' passion is not mine. 'My' desire to be with God is not my 'spiritualness'. 'My' desire to have a revival through myself and then through others around me is not my sensitivity. 'My' thought provoking remarks to the lost or saved are not my 'wisdom'. 'My hope is in Thee.' Without You Lord, I go from the isolated monk to the pathetic outcast. I am willing to remain the pathetic outcast, Lord, if You would just work through me. I have no choice, You are not holding me back. I am not capable of any different kind of lifestyle but outcast. 'Where can I go? Thou hast the words of life.' 'To God be the Glory.' I have no purpose, hope, direction or life without You Lord.
- Fanticising kills the peace because the peace is about accepting by faith the nothingness of my reputation and my lifestyle for the sake of furthering the kingdom.
- All that I have written in this book is to privide me with the opportunity to rest in God's arms. But without God's Spirit moving in me, nothing happens. The passion is not of me. What knowledge I have gained has no meaning. I don't even have enough desire to focus on Him. I will not demand His Spirit to move but only accept it as a gift.
- In the midst of the busyness of life, I sometimes stop and wonder - is anything really happening?
- As I die to self in brokeness, defense and vindication are no longer necessary, giving room for forgiveness as Christ did at the end of His darkness on the Cross.
- Truth itself is pretty simple. Error is complex.
- Yet I am still not compassionate to others.
- In the dark, where emotions are unstable and thoughts are scrambled, we find God in simple trust as we let go and are loved.
- '...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance (patience), perseverence, character (experience, maturity), and character, hope (joyful and confident). And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.' Romans 5:3-5
- Breath.
- True relief is not from my pain but from my twisted perspective of life.
- My cross to take up daily is loneliness.
- Lord, help me to hear the still small voice and not to be addicted to intensity.
- I am a unique expression of God that I may never understand. 'But if I am true to the concept God utters in me, if I am true to the thought in Him I was meant to embody, I shall be full of His actuality and find Him everywhere in myself, and find myself nowhere. I shall be lost in Him.' Seeds of Contemplation Thomas Merton
- I lay the letter of blasphemy on the floor of the temple as did Hezekiah, but instead of Senacharib, King of Assyria, as the signature, it is mine, Lord. Help me to remember that the main battle is in my heart. And help me to remember the absurdity of seeing it as my fight.
- 'Blessed are those who know they are broken.' Matthew 5:3
- Humbleness cannot be defensive.
- Guilt is self-centered. Humbleness is when we think of God and not ourselves and accept that we are totally dependent on God and are comfortable with that.
- Trust in God is not trust that He will do this or that, but that He will do what He thinks best.
- Our trust in God starts when we are honest with God, knowing He as accepted us.
- Trust is 'the courage to accept acceptance'. Paul Tillich
- Our trust in God comes from our love of God which comes from our experience of God.
- The Lord's prompt answer of prayers, such as answering my questions, instills trust even more than fixing problems in my life. I would rather walk through the 'valley of death' with a sure guide than to wonder on the mountain tops.
- Perhaps my desire to please God is the only part of my 'spititual' life that isn't totally about me.
- My hope is strengthened when I hope in the spiritual direction of God, not in my physical direction.
- Mark 9:22-24 'I do believe! Help my lack of trust.' As with this man, I have faith in Jesus, but not hope - the conviction that my expectation will be fulfilled. Therefore I lack trust. Faith + hope = trust.
- I do not know what God is thinking. I do not even know what other people are thinking.
To not grasp the wonder of God leaves us either bitter or theologically arrogant enough to peg God.
- I am losing interest with my shortcomings. To focus on them is to grossly underestimate them and the glory of God.
- It is arrogance to assume that I can know and understand God, but this will not stop me from my burning desire to touch the hem of His garment. I know that experience will change me forever. To see Him in His fullness would make praying impossible.
- 'The root of joy is gratefulness.' David Steindlrast
- I cannot hate and believe that God loves.
- The fact that I cannot love myself in my sinfulness, let alone others, shows my limited understanding and trust of God's love.
- Brokeness allow me to see a little of how devestating and hopeless my sinfulness is and yet celebrate who I am by trusting God's celebration of me.
- When I pray for clarity, I am praying for independence from God, an escape from trust.
- I am angry inside and I don't know why. It feels like frustration. I must be fire fighting. I don't know how. 'I am beginning to understand that the loneliness I have for so long tried to relieve... is really a hunger for God.' p39 Safest Place on Earth Larry Crabb
- 'Brokeness is realizing He is all we have.
Hope is realizing He is all we need.
Joy is realizing He is all we want.' p39 Safest Place on Earth Larry Crabb
- We all struggle. We all need community. Some have tragic stories and some do not, but we are all broken inside. Brokeness is not about tragedy, but about self-awareness. Tragedy only brings self-awareness.
- 'Seek ye first the kindgom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you.'
- We lose hope when we lose vision/perspective. We can have hope and be depressed at the same time. God promised joy not happiness. (Paul and Silas)
- The superficial level is overwhelmed with routine making it unfit for wonder, so that the only option is to look forward or look back.
- Wonder is so difficult because it is so subtle.
- I am emotionally packed and ready to go.
- OK, so there is no sex in heaven - a tough pill to swallow. But there is plently of intimacy. Anyone I meet oon the street I will know everything about them and will instantly be closer to them than I could be to any woman. 24hours/day infinite intmacy with uhtold number of people and , of course, God Himself. That might heal this wound I have.
- It is hard to see myself as a princess rather than as a handmaid (Cinderella) because the whole world sees me as a handmaid. Perhaps that is because I see myself as a handmaid.
- If God values my fellowship, the one thing I can give back, then why do I give it out in such rare and small doses?
- Once again, my selfishness shows through. I have talked about trying to compreshend that not only does God love me,l but that He likes me. However, I now realize that I am starting to like Him and not just love Him. Because in both cases, my perception of love was wrong. In the first, I saw pity and in the second, I only saw reverence.
- Help me Lord to not get caught in the trap of just fixing my problems, but rather to understand them in the light of Your big picture.
- Pain isolates me while joy bonds me more to others. As I get more familiar with God, both increase. Help me Lord to focus on the joy.
- When I look at life without eternal hope (This is it. This is as good as it's going to get.) my attitude colors everything grey as I get deparate, demanding, then despairing.
- Help me Lord to find the strength to shun the distractions of this world and lift the empty cup of my heart to You, waiting patiently for Your presence, in whatever form You prefer to present, regardless of whether You fill the cup or not. My suffering is not my offering, only my empty cup. All I have is this desire from You that can never be filled.
- The main question - 'What is the chief end and purpose of man?' The answer - 'To know God and enjoy knowing Him forever.' I shunned this talk for so long because I heard it from people who used it as an excuse to escape life and themselves. This is what Henry David Thorough saw too, I believe. But, when God is truly pursued, we come face-to-face with life and ourselves.
- Forgive me Lord for being more interested in the rejection of others than in Your pursuit of me. I draw my identity from their opinions rather than from Yours. Help me to know how to change that.
- I struggle with the idea that I have any impact on God as He has on me. It is easier to see Him as the Author of the big story rather than the main character.
- Trials are not the center of the Universe. God's love is.
- Living in our own story is a prison. There is freedom in being part of the bigger story where God is the main character rather than us.
- When we come into the light, we meet God. But when we flee into the darkness, we run straight into Him. His determination is our hope. Simon Tagwell p.81 Sacred Romance
- At one time, not so long ago, God and I were very close. His intense moments of intimacy were memorable. But I pulled away. Back then, I said it was because of the pain of my life preventing me from enjoying Him, but now I realize that I pulled back because I knew that in some way, He was behind the cause of all that pain and so I could not trust Him.
- Lord, I pray that I will always remember that I am Your representative to a world where the devil constantly slanders You. When I am self-centered, it makes You look demanding. I need to take the 3rd commandment, 'You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain' (Exodus 20:7) as a call to show love and kindness to others.
- It is rejection of You, not rejection of me.
- It seems as though all of my pain, disappointments and such can, in some way, be traced back to selfishness.
- People don't seem to like my reflection. Help me Lord to not take it personal but realize that my unique reflection is what You made me for. Help me to shine true.
- It is still fuzzy, but it seems that my misery is less about my circumstances than it is about me.
- Help me Lord to see my afflictions and losses in the light of eternity so that I won't be overwhelmed and looose focus on You.
- In my longing desire for You, peace overtakes me gradually like a fog, unnoticed, until, suddenly, I am overwhelmed.
- '..it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.' Romans 8:17 I will not identify myself by my sin, God willing.
- Oh Lord, help me not to beat up on myself whenYou reveal my sins to me but to be thankful of the awareness so that it does not run amok and to realize that my struggles is what allows me to love and help others.
- 'Our depressions, jealousies, narcisism, and failures are not at odds with the spiritual life. Indeed, they are essential to it. When tended, they permit the spirit from zooming off into the ozone of perfectionism and spiritual pride.' Thomas Moore.
- Help me Lord not just to have a servant attitude but to be a servant as You have shown by example.
- 'The poverty of uniqueness is the call of Jesus to stand utterly alone...' Brennan Manning
- '...intelligence without courage is bankrupt.' Brennan Manning
- 'Take courage. It is I. Do not be afraid.'
- '...our security rests in having no security.' Brennan Manning
- Help me Lord to be true and courageous to the uniqueness that You have made of me regardless of the cost. I cherish that gift of uniqueness. I see that my alonness is a way that You are using to further develop that uniqueness. It is not supposed to be fun. Walking on the water is not a group effort.
- Lord, You provided intensity during my devotions and I cried about the mundaness of the rest of the day. I asked instead for the deeper relationship of peace with You. After 2 1/2 weeks of silence, You helped me to share Your peace. I then complained of my pain in life and that Your fellowship wasn't enough. I am back alone. I am sorry for my self centeredness. Help me to desire You in spite of the storm instead of to make the storm bearable. Help me to have a clear motive. Help me not to be overwhelmed with the pain so that I only focus on it.
- It wasn't Peter's will that got him out of the boat, but rather his willingness.
- As I was walking across the water before, I grew tired and discouraged because the storm would not let up. I went back to the boat and find myself lying on the bottom of the boat still being beaten withe the cold rain. I have no stength left. The question is, which do I want more, relief from the storm, or God's presence. I don't know. Lord, help me. You provide both the 'will and the way'. I really do want Your presence, Lord. For some reason, in my despair and exhaustion, I do not crave Your hugs and only partially crave Your insights. But I do crave You. I do not understand. We belong together. 'If You bid me, I will come out of the boat.'
- Lord, give me the strength to draw to You in my pain with no promise that it will ease up. with the only purpose being to search You more deeply. To discover how far a fellowship between a man and his God can go. My curiousity for the divine is the only living thing left in me. There are no other vital signs. I come to You not only with hands empty of desires but a heart empty of hope and expectations. I will accept that You will not calm the storm. I am ready to follow You across the water.
- I don't want control because I don't know what to do. When I am in control, I am stuck. Being stuck is death, literally. I need You.
- Lord, help me to cope with Your presence as well as the presence of trials so that I do not give into pride or despair so that I do not have to alternate between the two but can stay in Your presence.
- There is a difference between putting the things (and people) of this world second behind God and hating it altogether. Depression is not a spiritual virtue. Zeal for living is important. This is why fanticizing, for me, is so powerful. It is the only time I feel that zeal. Lord help me to find that zeal through You.
- I've heard it said, 'Don't take yourself too serious' but I don't understnad it. That must mean that I am.
- When I can grasp that You truly love me, then I can have hope (You are all I need). Then joy will come. Until then, I will be the prodical son trying to find joy on my own.
- At first, I felt that the stongest desire I had to distract me from God was sex. But then I realized it was deeper. It was a desire for a wife. But it was deeper. A wife would be a great souce of validation in many ways. As I accepted the possibility that the Lord may have me be single for His purpose, I discovered another, even stronger, desire. This desire was from my youth. It was for me to have a purpose. I thought this was a good thing. But when I told God that enjoying Him was not enough, that I wanted to share Him with others, the Spirit faded n me. I realize that my desire for purpose is a desire for validation. In my lonely life, I have gotten even less validation than love, even from myself. God's love does not give me validation. So my desire for His love has faded. But isn't being loved validation? Isn't that what I said about a wife? What could be more validating than the God of the Universe dying on the cross in order to enjoy my fellowship? This is what I've always known. My value is not in what I have done (human doing) but in what God has done for me - His love (human being). It feels selfish, but that is my ego talking again. 'Come to me as little children' which is only to receive. 'He is all I need' (hope). You are my purpose, Lord. Now I don't have to wander. I've always needed someone to hold my hand. Dad tried to break me to his will by force. God has used that brokeness by first putting me partially together and then rebreaking me by His love and mercy in the light that exposes my shortcomings. Could it be that I have finally made it to the second step (Brokeness, Hope, Joy). Is it possible that I, of all people, could experience Joy? I Hope so. I remember that it all starts with suffering Romans 5:3 suffering -> perseverence -> character -> hope.
- My desire for purpose will prevent me from following the Spirit to lead others in troubl to God. I will want them to get fixed so that I can feel good about myself.
- It is telling that Jesus stopped the storm as soon as Peter got back into the boat. It seems so cruel it is humorous. But now I realize that it was mercy that caused Him to create the storm. Peter could never have been able to walk across a glassy, calm surface. He couldn't have kept his eyes on God. That helps my life to make sense.
- I cannot picture a life where the only siznificance to it is being with God. But isn't that Heaven?
- If You only bring me joy that lasts through the devotion, with no relief from the lonelines and no purpose, what is left to motivate my desire for You? I want to help others experience You in a deeper way apart from religion, but I can only lead them to the misery I am now at.
- It feels like You only come along and hug me saying, 'There, there, it's no so bad. I am with you'. I'm still lost.
- My lack of desire for God lately, I think, is due to the disappointment that it did not bring purpose to my life. A desire for a reason to get up in the morning is even stronger than my desire for a wife. That prevents me from talking Soultalk because I want something to happen for my sake. Purpose is a second thing.
- A part of me wants to know God on a very deep level regardless if it brings me joy or not.
- The Lord has given me not only ecstacy but peace in His presence. A place I thought would be years before I would experience it. Strangely, at that point, I lost interest. I realized that even these prized events would not fill the hole left behind from a lifetime of loneliness. I guess my motive for intimacy with God was selfish. I am embarrassed to ask, 'What is my motive now?' 'Thy kingdom come' comes to mind. What do I say? What do I promise?
- You crave me more than I crave You even though You give me more than I can give You.
- 'Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you.' James 4:8
- Lord, I know that You are enough, but it would be codependent of me to say that our intimate moments together would be enough. It would be self-centered. Even though these times of intimacy are nothing less than miraculous. Without insulting Your love, I ask, how do I get more? What is the next level? I want to say that sharing You would be enough, but that would be self-centered also and would be the wrong motive,. I am so confused.
- It is very scary tht You do not address my neediness at the level that I think You should.
- The good life is not about being productive or enlightened, just in fellowship with God.
- Oh Lord, forgive me for selfishly looking at the 23rd Psalms as a life of blessing. It is obviously talking about fellowship with You whether I am in 'green pastures' or the 'valley of the shadow of death'. You are the good life.
- There is nothing left to compete with You. There never really was. This is not so much a praise as a disgust at my life. The only thing I have left is my pain. So I offer it to You. This is not a recognition that You will meet all my needs. I do not believe that. I will still sleep alone, stay home while others go on vacation, spend holidays alone and go to theaters and movies alone. Desiring these things have only brought me lower. Your promise, 'My grace is sufficent' does not sound very strong. I know Your agenda is other-centered. 'Lord, where else can I go?' It appears that happiness and fulfillment were a fantacy. Even when we were at our closest, I was suffering with 98% of my day being mundane loneliness. 'My grace is sufficent' sounds more like a death sentence than a promise. So be it. Have your way with me. I would appreciate any scrap of joy You could toss my way.
- 'You are blessed when you're at the end of your rope.' Matthew 5:3Where is God? He's at the end of the rope.
- When I look back over my life at those who have offended me, I have to admit, very often, the Lord was in it in order to guide and teach me. That shows me two things. The Lord is keeping the devil off my back more than I know and the devil will take every opportunity he can to hurt me.
- My example of going deeper. I got in trouble for losing my temper. I could say it is part of my temperament (high strung) or that I was raised with someone with that problem or that the person that got me into trouble is worse than me and exagerated. All of that is true. But, it comes from depression. Of what? I am lonely. I want a wife to affirm me and friends to make my life fun. But a wife and friends will not solve my depression. I am lonely for God. I must offer my life with it's dreams as a sacrifice and rely on Him.
- Being used by God to help others see Him better does not help my loneliness and so I am free not to have that ulterior motive.
- I am finding as God leads me through this change that I am slowly desiring the intense moments less and the peaceful moments more. It is the quiet moments of peace that I remember most.
- 'My cup runeth over' not of blessings of God, not even necessarily joy. When it happens, it runs over of the Spirit.
- Beneath my visible selfishness is my invisible self-centeredness. Beneath that is a huge mass of memories, demands and ideas. Below that is self-need and self management which fuels religion. But below that is a desire for God. When we let this desire take place over the others we have brokeness. And from that the passionate Spirit flows.
- When I turn away from God, I go from living the abundant life to living the needy desparate life. My hunger for God competes with my hunger to get my needs met some other way.
- I am surprised to find, in the midst of my trials, to suddenly realize that 'my cup runneth over'.
- Lord, may I yield to Your hand to mold me into the vessel You want me to be so that You can fill me to overflowing to others, not of blessings, but of Your Spirit.
- How can I help others when I am the most messed up. But God uses the least to help the most. Therefore, I am willing to be the least.
- Too often, my motivation for helping others is to give my life purpose.
- If I am not careful, my hurt becomes an obsession and buried in that obsession is demand.
- Do I enjoy God's presence when He doesn't do anything?
- 'To think he trusted me to believe He was there just because He said He was, with no other evidence - I'm so grateful.' p46 Soultalk
- Lord, help me to remember my lessons of humility in this darkness when You brng me light and especially when you have me share it.
- My ability and yes, even my desire, to come into God's presence, is a gift and not from me.
- The Lord can sit quietly with me and love me so easily who is so unloveable while I sit struggling to love Someone who is so loveable. Forgive me Lord for not being able to enjoy the quiet together. I want to break the silence and get handsy. I am addicted to intensity. It's all about me. Help me to give up the shallow relationship for a deep one. Help me Lord to not cheapen our relationship and realize that You are more than just a good time.
- Lord, help me to not be codependent with You. that I can see where I stop and You begin. This will allow me to resist taking on Your character as my own. It allows me to be free from pride to release me to be used by You in bigger ways.
- Without God drawing me, I am not interested in coming to Him. Even with a billion stars staring me in the face, I cannot grasp His power unless He reveals Himself to me. Even though I know of His priceless gift on the cross, I cannot feel His love unless He opens my heart to Him. I am not even capable of mantaining focus on Him to learn His magnificent insights without Him holding me. I cannot care for others without Him setting the burden in my heart. I cannot find the words to speak when the lost challenge God and the saved ask for guidance unless He puts them in my mouth. There is nothing left of me to bring to the table. Lord, help me to remember this when You decide to once again move in me.
- Not every moment with God has to be earth-shattering. Chit chats are nice too.
- Many times the Lord is silent. But I know He's here. I can hear Him breathing.
- Today in church, we learned about using our imagination in prayer to visualize rather than verbalize. We did it at the end and I pictured God holding out His hand so I walked up the steps and took it. The next part of the image felt uncomfortale at first so I kept trying to change it but it kept coming back so I submitted. God slow danced with me close as I laid my hand on His shoulder. It helped me to finally see that what I wanted from a wife really could be gotten from God.
- The drought continues. No hugs. No insights. No using me. But does God still love me? Of course. These things are not God's love.
- I feel like a toy forgotten on the shelf with the on switch truned off. God has left my devotions for over a week. It has forced me to further separate my own characteristics from the fruit of the Spirit that has graciously flowed through me before. 'My' passion is not mine. 'My' desire to be with God is not my 'spiritualness'. 'My' desire to have a revival through myself and then through others around me is not my sensitivity. 'My' thought provoking remarks to the lost or saved are not my 'wisdom'. 'My hope is in Thee.' Without You Lord, I go from the isolated monk to the pathetic outcast. I am willing to remain the pathetic outcast, Lord, if You would just work through me. I have no choice, You are not holding me back. I am not capable of any different kind of lifestyle but outcast. 'Where can I go? Thou hast the words of life.' 'To God be the Glory.' I have no purpose, hope, direction or life without You Lord.
- Fanticising kills the peace because the peace is about accepting by faith the nothingness of my reputation and my lifestyle for the sake of furthering the kingdom.
- All that I have written in this book is to privide me with the opportunity to rest in God's arms. But without God's Spirit moving in me, nothing happens. The passion is not of me. What knowledge I have gained has no meaning. I don't even have enough desire to focus on Him. I will not demand His Spirit to move but only accept it as a gift.
- In the midst of the busyness of life, I sometimes stop and wonder - is anything really happening?
- As I die to self in brokeness, defense and vindication are no longer necessary, giving room for forgiveness as Christ did at the end of His darkness on the Cross.
- Truth itself is pretty simple. Error is complex.
- Yet I am still not compassionate to others.
- In the dark, where emotions are unstable and thoughts are scrambled, we find God in simple trust as we let go and are loved.
- '...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance (patience), perseverence, character (experience, maturity), and character, hope (joyful and confident). And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.' Romans 5:3-5
- Breath.
- True relief is not from my pain but from my twisted perspective of life.
- My cross to take up daily is loneliness.
- Lord, help me to hear the still small voice and not to be addicted to intensity.
- I am a unique expression of God that I may never understand. 'But if I am true to the concept God utters in me, if I am true to the thought in Him I was meant to embody, I shall be full of His actuality and find Him everywhere in myself, and find myself nowhere. I shall be lost in Him.' Seeds of Contemplation Thomas Merton
- I lay the letter of blasphemy on the floor of the temple as did Hezekiah, but instead of Senacharib, King of Assyria, as the signature, it is mine, Lord. Help me to remember that the main battle is in my heart. And help me to remember the absurdity of seeing it as my fight.
- 'Blessed are those who know they are broken.' Matthew 5:3
- Humbleness cannot be defensive.
- Guilt is self-centered. Humbleness is when we think of God and not ourselves and accept that we are totally dependent on God and are comfortable with that.
- Trust in God is not trust that He will do this or that, but that He will do what He thinks best.
- Our trust in God starts when we are honest with God, knowing He as accepted us.
- Trust is 'the courage to accept acceptance'. Paul Tillich
- Our trust in God comes from our love of God which comes from our experience of God.
- The Lord's prompt answer of prayers, such as answering my questions, instills trust even more than fixing problems in my life. I would rather walk through the 'valley of death' with a sure guide than to wonder on the mountain tops.
- Perhaps my desire to please God is the only part of my 'spititual' life that isn't totally about me.
- My hope is strengthened when I hope in the spiritual direction of God, not in my physical direction.
- Mark 9:22-24 'I do believe! Help my lack of trust.' As with this man, I have faith in Jesus, but not hope - the conviction that my expectation will be fulfilled. Therefore I lack trust. Faith + hope = trust.
- I do not know what God is thinking. I do not even know what other people are thinking.
To not grasp the wonder of God leaves us either bitter or theologically arrogant enough to peg God.
- I am losing interest with my shortcomings. To focus on them is to grossly underestimate them and the glory of God.
- It is arrogance to assume that I can know and understand God, but this will not stop me from my burning desire to touch the hem of His garment. I know that experience will change me forever. To see Him in His fullness would make praying impossible.
- 'The root of joy is gratefulness.' David Steindlrast
- I cannot hate and believe that God loves.
- The fact that I cannot love myself in my sinfulness, let alone others, shows my limited understanding and trust of God's love.
- Brokeness allow me to see a little of how devestating and hopeless my sinfulness is and yet celebrate who I am by trusting God's celebration of me.
- When I pray for clarity, I am praying for independence from God, an escape from trust.
- I am angry inside and I don't know why. It feels like frustration. I must be fire fighting. I don't know how. 'I am beginning to understand that the loneliness I have for so long tried to relieve... is really a hunger for God.' p39 Safest Place on Earth Larry Crabb
- 'Brokeness is realizing He is all we have.
Hope is realizing He is all we need.
Joy is realizing He is all we want.' p39 Safest Place on Earth Larry Crabb
- We all struggle. We all need community. Some have tragic stories and some do not, but we are all broken inside. Brokeness is not about tragedy, but about self-awareness. Tragedy only brings self-awareness.
- 'Seek ye first the kindgom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you.'
- We lose hope when we lose vision/perspective. We can have hope and be depressed at the same time. God promised joy not happiness. (Paul and Silas)
- The superficial level is overwhelmed with routine making it unfit for wonder, so that the only option is to look forward or look back.
- Wonder is so difficult because it is so subtle.
- I am emotionally packed and ready to go.